


Dancing On My Own

by SusanLucy



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Adoption, Barson, F/M, Family Drama, Feeling of abandonment, Mention of Kidnapping, new relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:01:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29689881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusanLucy/pseuds/SusanLucy
Summary: My version on how Olivia Benson moved on after her kidnapping while raising her teenage daughter.  Mostly written from her daughters point of view.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	Dancing On My Own

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at writing for this fandom. This story came to me a couple days ago and just wouldn't leave me alone. I figured it wouldn't hurt to write it out and see what comes from it.

_She hasn’t been the same since she came back. Any little noise startles her, which I understand. I used to crawl in bed with her at night sometimes when I couldn’t sleep, because being in her arms made me feel safe, but I can’t do that anymore. I tried to the other night and when I put my arm around her middle, she elbowed me so hard in my chest that I lost my breath. She was so sorry afterwards. She cried while holding me. It almost made the pain I felt after worth it. I missed being held by her. I didn’t let her see the bruise she left behind either because I knew she felt so guilty about it already that seeing physical proof of what she did would be too much for her._

_So, I stopped sleeping in her bed. I pretend I don’t see when she flinches if I come into a room unannounced. I pretend it doesn’t hurt that any physical contact we have with each other is initiated by me. I don’t know what he did to her, she won’t say. Auntie Amanda says I’m too young to understand, but what they don’t understand is that sometimes I just want my mother to hug me. I hate that about myself too. She’s been through hell and instead of being supportive all I can think is about how her being kidnapped has affected me, how messed up is that?_

“Hey, you ready to go?” It takes forced effort not to slam my journal shut. She’s a detective, she would know I was hiding something and go snooping. That’s a new thing too. I caught her looking through my drawers the other day. She’s wondering why I’ve changed so much. Too bad she didn’t find my journal from months ago. Reading that last entry is a reminder that nothing has changed, well nothing except for her. She loves me, I can see it, but she’s cold now. She’s warm to everyone else, but there’s just something about me that makes her keep a distance. She’s not a bad mom, I’m not being abused or anything like that. I live in a nice apartment, anything I need is provided for me. I’m never left alone, if she’s working late, Lucy stays with me. I have plenty of pseudo aunts and uncles that are always affectionate and happy to see me. She is just not the mom that used to tuck me in at night and I’m having a hard time getting used to the new her.

“Yeah, is Lucy here?” I ask as I place my journal in my overnight bag. Can’t hide that while she’s in the room watching. “She’s in the living room. Her mom has big plans for you guys, you’ll have a blast”. Probably playing bingo while making every excuse possible as to why we can’t leave the house. I know the drill. Something is up at work and she needs to have me sent away for a couple days, the usual. “Great” She places a kiss on my forehead, and I know she watches as Lucy drives away but I don’t look back, not anymore. She’s not a mother I recognize, she’s lieutenant Olivia Benson, a great detective that cares about everyone else, sometimes a little too much.

The days spent away were just as uneventful as I had predicted. Lucy is great. Don’t get me wrong but like they say there’s no place like home, which is where we are definitely not headed at the moment. “Hey why aren’t we going home?” I ask as Lucy makes another turn in the opposite direction of our apartment. “Your mom is still at the precinct. She asked that I drop you off there” I groan and let my head fall against my seat. “Sorry kid, if I didn’t have that paper to finish, I’d stay home with you” I feel bad that I’m making her apologize, it’s not her fault she has a life. “It’s okay, maybe uncle. Sonny has cannoli he can share”

“Hey Liv, you sure you want Amanda and I to take this?” Questions Fin as he grabs his coat. These kind of house calls are my expertise, getting the victims to understand that it wasn’t their fault and that coming forward is the first step into their healing has become kind of my thing you can say. “Yeah, I’m sure, Rose should be here soon. I have to get my kid home at a decent hour, just keep me updated.” Not that getting Rose home at a decent hour will make an ounce of difference to Rose. My child seems to be angry at the world right now and nothing I do or say helps. At first, I thought giving her space after Lewis was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to drag my girl down the emotional rabbit hole that I was sinking into. Dr. Lindstrom agreed as well, he felt I should let her move on from that ordeal at her own pace. Now here we are months later and all I can see is the space between us widening with no end in sight. I try to put myself in her shoes, I get that she’s a teenager now and her hormones are driving her emotions at the moment, but I would give my soul to have her back again. To be able to pull her in and hold her like I used to, without fearing that I’m only hurting her more. My phone vibrating is a welcome distraction as I lean against my desk. 

**Rafa**

**My place in an hour?**

**Olivia**

**Can’t, I’ve got Rose.**

**Rafa**

**Bring her along…**

**Olivia**

**You sure?**

**Rafa**

**Yes, it’ll be fun, I’ll cook.**

**Olivia**

**See you there.**

“hey mom”

“hey kid I didn’t see you there, you ready?” I’m surprised she didn’t get startled at my sudden appearance; I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I didn’t mean to catch her off guard either but the smile on her face as she read the message on her phone paralyzed me. The light in her eyes, the smile on her lips, her relaxed posture was not something I had seen since, well in a long time. “ready?” She grabs her bag and pulls me into a sideways hug. “you and I have a dinner date with uncle Rafa, he has volunteered to cook us dinner! Doesn’t that sound so much better than takeout?” Her smile is infectious and for the first time the pressure on my chest eases and I can say that I feel genuinely happy. “much better”

“good, how about we stop and grab dessert on the way to his place? You can pick whatever you want” She says as we step out of the precinct. “Really? Can we get multiple things?”

“Sure” We hail a taxi, and she rattles off the address to the bodega that’s around the corner from uncle Rafa’s place. I take that moment that she’s distracted to lean into her and hug her. I tentatively wrap my arm around her middle and swallow back my tears when I feel her pull me in closer and place a kiss on the crown of my head. “I missed you mom” I quietly confess. God did I ever. She doesn’t verbally respond but she hugs me just a little tighter just then and I know she heard me.

\--

Watching my mother and uncle Rafa cook is slightly freaking me out. If I recall correctly, we’ve only been here twice, months ago to drop a file off and tonight, but tonight mom is acting as if this is our place. She knows where everything is. She’s comfortable and relaxed and it’s quite the sight to see. 

This mood follows us all through dinner too. At first, they tried to include me in their conversation, but now it’s like they’re in their own little world and I’m just a spectator. I’m also finding it Incredibly odd just how comfortable they are with each other. I’ve lost count of the times uncle Rafa has touched my mother one way or another. With a brush of his fingertips, a light slap on her arm as she tells a joke. Also, it seems as though his hand is permanently glued to her lower back. The lightness I felt on the drive here begins to dissipate as awareness falls over me. They’re dating. Or are about to date. It explains why he can touch her without causing her to flinch. Its why mom is leaning into their conversation in such a flirtatious manner. It’s why uncle Rafa thinks it’s okay to have his hand on my mom’s thigh as if I can’t see it. He probably forgot I’m here. They both did.

“Can I be excused?” I murmur as I stand and take my plate to the sink not really waiting for their approval. “Rose, Rafa was just inviting us to go ice skating tomorrow. What do you say?” She looks so happy at the prospect of going out together again. Her smile is open and inviting and although I’m angry because they’re trying but failing at being sneaky, I can’t bring myself to say no and wipe her smile away. So, I manage a barely convincing, “sounds fun” before scrolling through my phone and trying to fade into the background once again.

Ice skating never happened, my mom’s caseload had increased and seemed to be never ending which meant that I was spending more and more time with Lucy instead of her. At least once a week she managed to fit in time for herself though. I found myself being watched by Lucy after hours because my mother had a date. Not that she told me mind you, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out where you’re going while wearing a dress and heels. Catching her coming home in the very early hours looking disheveled confirmed my suspicions as well. I wasn’t angry at her for having fun, if anything I was jealous that I wasn’t being included in it. Not that I wanted to go on her dates with uncle Rafa I just wanted one day dedicated to us as well. Because clearly she had found a way to move on from her trauma, to still smile and have fun, but it was starting to feel like she was enjoying life without me in it and that hurt. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have another part planned so far. If you like it let me know! Thank you for reading.


End file.
